~-^*Candra Alycce*^-~

I'm Grumpy. I'm actually grumpy alot recently. I dont know why. People are just annoying me. I almost feel like i need to just get away from people for a week or so, but i know that's going to be impossible. it's impossible for me to get away from people for 24 hrs. but.. some things are good. working on getting a move worked out. going to westminster. and chance is back. missed that kid like crazy. ehh i dont really feel like writing..

everyday my life gets a little more screwed up. but we wont go into that... cause well... i just dont wanna.

-what do you think about right before you go to sleep? :: i wish i didn't have to wake up

-what does your cell phone look like? :: small silver open face nokia. till i but a new one

-do you ever get jealous? of what/who? :: ya, of people at work when they get to do other stuff and not take calls. like when lynda gets to "decorate" all day. haha
-how do you sleep? (toss and turn, position, etc) :: usually on my side, curled up and cuddled with a pillow

-what were some of your favorite tv shows as a child? :: full house, step by step, family matters, saved by the bell, california dreams, home improvement

-what is your biggest internal fear? :: hurting ever person i love and who loves me... ohh wait.. i've done that.

-what are you majoring in? / what WILL you major in? :: cosmetology

-your best friend to talk to? :: lynda, jacob, gunder, sarah

-your best friend to hang out with? : : lynda, casey, chance, jacob

-your best friend for advice:: gunder

-your best friend to joke around with :: like tease? chance, gunder

-your guy/girl friend youd be most likely to date sometime :: humm i dunno if i should say

-what do you sleep in :: depends. in the winter.. sweatshirts and dickies or sweatpants, in the summer, boxer shorts and a tank

-do you snore :: not that anyone has ever told me. i dont think so.

-what is your favorite bath and body works scent :: coconut, and cucumber melon

-what is your future house going to look like :: haha blue shutters, wrap around porch, white picket fence. you know...

-what was the last thing you thought about :: humm what i'm gonna do w/ my day off tomorrow

-what do you do when your upset :: go shopping, sleep. when i'm super upset... i start to clean. speaking of.. i think i'm gonna

-favorite ice cream flavor :: i just love ice cream... if it's vanilla it has to have fudge or something on it

-who is your idol (celebrity wise) :: mandy moore.. she's so adorable. or catherine zeta jones is freakin gorgeous

-ever done a research paper :: i think the majority of the US has

-has anyone close to you died :: no, not yet. it's coming though

-what's made you the happiest in life :: friends

-what member of the opposite sex do you think about during the day :: my life is filled w/ members of the opposite sex. the only member of the same sex who is really a big part of my life right now is lynda... so there are lots.

-did you ever like the spice girls?: : the question should be "do you like the spice girls?" and my answer is "HECK YES!!" I heard they're doing a reunion concert in england.. i'd fly to england just for that.

-do you want kids ::eventually... maybe. i'm afraid to screw them up

-what will you name them :: i dunno really... dont feel like thinking about it

-what song reminds you of being in high school :: high school? umm "i'm bouncing off the walls again"

What do you think of........

-of your best friend :: lynda and i are practically never seperated. she's awesome. we have boy problems together.

-of just relaxing :: i love it.. i wish it was a profession

-of partyin/clubbin :: ehh i dunno. once in awhile is okay

-what is the nicest thing a person of the opposite sex has done for you ::actually the dozen roses and daisies for no reason from josh was pretty nice... but doesn't top simon and my 1 year aniversary

</b>-what is the nicest thing youve done for the opposite sex ::</b> i do nice things all the time.. but probably stuff i did for simon. like the "182 reasons why i love you" flip book i made him for our 6 month

-have you ever thought about your wedding :: ya... and it sort of freaks me out

Piercings: 2 in each each, my belly button.. and soon 1 more in each ear.. and maybe my cartilege

What is the most recent movie you've seen in the theater? kicking and screaming w/ my little brother

Eye color: green!

Ever toilet-papered someone's house? yes, and almost got in trouble. the boys covered for us though. awww

Love someone so much it made you cry? yes... and it sucks because i hate crying.

Been in a car accident? haha been in A... car accident? try many...

Croutons or bacon bits? croutons definitely

Favorite day of the week? i like saturdays.. except the fact i work sat mornings.

Favorite restaurant? i have so many i like...

Favorite flower? deep red roses and white daises together

Favorite sport to watch? gymnastics. haha

Favorite drink? orange juice. cherry limeaides from sonic

Favorite fast food restaurant: cousins, silvermine, pita pit, taco bell

Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? angels.. on their shoes

Bedtime: usually between 2am-5am

Favorite TV shows: meet the barkers, boy meets world... i dont really watch tv anymore

</b>Last person you dined with?</b> lynda and casey at like 5:30-6am this morning

Favorite color: pink teal and green

Lake, Ocean or River: rivers are sooo pretty!

Name of a person you wish you could spend more time with: chance, jacob, sarah.. i miss simon... alot

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? ask God

Said my goodbyes to chance last night. I think i'll miss him more than I thought. Even though we got in that little "fight" it was more like me being mad at him, and him knowing I had every right to be mad at him... but you know. I went to his bbq/picnic thinger anyway.. and i'm glad I went. Then last night he came over to casey's and casey, lynda him and I ate blackjack and watched team america. It was fun. Yesterday was just a good day. I hung out w/ casey, lynda and josh for most of the day. I really like hanging out w/ them.. we have fun even when we're not doing anything. Then we had to take josh back cause he only had a 6 hour leave, so we had to take him back to the halfway house. Next sunday josh is gonna meet my parents :o i'm a little afraid for that. I know how my parents are... and I know how he probably appears to most people. W/ his tattoo's and smoky aroma... and the fact he lives in the half way house. I just hope they'll talk w/ him and give him a chance before they judge him.. cause he's so... i dont even know. He's just a really good guy. I dunno if it's just "playa playa sweet talk" (as jade pablo and i call it) or if it's sincere.. but he sits there and tells me he has no idea how anyone could have ever hurt me how i've been hurt, and how some girls... you meet them and you just know it's not going to work out because you're probably not going to treat them how they think they deserve to be treated, but that i'm just the opposite.. and i deserve to be treated so much better then i think i do, and so much better than i have been. He's one of the only other people besides myself i've met who'll put other people before his own well being... i'm not used to people doing that for me. I do it for everyone else.. but I dont usually get it in return. it's almost overwhelming. so i dunno... i still know i'm not ready for the kind of relationship he is.. i dont know how long it'll be before I am.. until I fall out of love with simon... and who knows when that'll happen. they say you never get over your first love.. and i'm starting to truly believe that. uhhh boys. once again... wish i could be happy all by my lonesome. well... that's my life right now. hahah anot even close. but there's a sneak peak.

Hah, didn't think I cared this much... I think I'll go cry. Even though I got my camera.. and I thought that's all I needed to make me happy again... I was wrong. So wrong. So you know how I dont really swear? I really honestly feel like swearing. And when I think of how I feel... all that comes to mind is swearing. I must be really upset. Again... I think I'll go cry. Oh.. I got work off a couple hours early to go to Chance's going away bbq tomorrow.. i'm starting to think the $16 i'd be making while working would be better then going. We'll see if he even calls. I kind of feel like no guy finds me important enough to want me to be happy even if they're not. haha woe is me... woe is me.

I haven't updated in awhile. Hah, maybe cause my life is so... weird right now. Where to start?
1. Going in to the bank w/ my dad tomorrow so he can co-sign for a loan for me for my camera. So maybe i'll get my loan soon
2. Working full time in t-mobile and doing fairly well at it. Good money
3. Still so in love with simon, but he frusterates me so much some times. I dont even know what to do with that situation. Because I can't be with him right now. Because it's not good for him and it's not good for me.
4. Chance is wonderful. He's becomming one of my best friends. He's been helping re-build my self esteem after it was shot down horribly. He's leaving on the 24th of this month. But I heard good news from him today, it's not going to be 5 months straight. He'll be back in july, then he'll be here for like 3 months then he'll go to cali in november.
5. Lynda is like my only girl friend. haha we hang out all the time again. almost every night since we more or less work the same shift. she just has sats off and i have wednesdays.
6. there are a few other guys in my life right now as well.. this one guy is/was in my t-mobile training class, his name is josh aka josh scooter or aka josh halfway house. (he's from the half way house) which freaked me out at first.. but he is one of the most level headed, and strong people i know. He's turning out to be a good friend as well. Then there is a few other less important. hah i dont mean that.. but nothing big or close w/ any of them. just developing more friendships which i really needed.
7. looking at saving some money to take a trip. Dunno where I wanna go, dunno how i'm gonna get there, but I want to go somewhere this summer.

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:

**My band choice was Our Lady Peace**

Are you female or male: potato girl

Describe yourself: car crash or clumsy

How do some people feel about you: innocent

How do you feel about yourself: not enough

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend/crush: let you down

Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend/crush: Is it safe?

Describe where you want to be: somewhere out there

Describe what you want to be: Made of steel

Describe how you live: Lying awake

Describe how you love: sell my soul

Share a few words of wisdom: Happiness is not a fish you can catch

Well, I haven't written anything real for awhile because I dont really know what to say. Parts of my life are going good, parts are going horribly. I know that's how life usually is... but it gets me so confused. I dont know if i'm happy, sad, lonely, depressed, excited... who knows. Alot of all of em. I'm happy cause Chance is a great guy, he makes me laugh and he actually wants to hang out with me and talk to me and get to know me. I'm sad because I miss simon so much. I lost the biggest part of my life when I let him go. And chance is going to be leaving soon for basic training. I'm lonely because I have no friends anymore. Chance is the only one who ever wants to hang out with me anymore. And I have no best friend anymore. I'm depressed because i'm so stressed out, plus i'm sad, lonely, confused, heartbroken. I'm excited because I just finished a class, I'm on my way to getting my camera, things are going pretty good with chance we hang out and go on dates, but aren't serious at all which is just what i want. Ya.. so there is a short description on my life. Recently, i've just been coming home after work and going to my room and watching a movie by myself. Then I wake up, get something to eat, take it up to my room and study or something before work. That's pretty much my daily activities. I dont talk to my family much... which my mom is upset about. She talked to me about it the other day while taking me to go take my exam. I can't help it.. I have nothing to say to them. They just want me to date "nice mormon boys" and go to church all the time, and honestly that's not what i want at all right now. My mom said "you know candra, you can always talk to me about things. When you're stressed out.. you need to just forget about the things that aren't important and talk to someone about the rest" haha i laughed and reminded her that when you tell people things, rumors get spread and that's how you get your life messed up. And I reminded her how she has a big mouth and can't keep anything to herself. She defended herself to the end of course. I love her and all.. but I can't talk to her. I can't talk to any of them. The only person I could talk to about everything in my life was simon... and now he's told me he can't be friends with me anymore. Sara and Lynda dont have time to sit and talk with me anymore. I dont blame them. If I was happy, I wouldn't want to talk to someone about their problems and how sad they were. I dont want this to sound like a huge woe is me entry... but my mom is right, I do need to get things off my chest and this is the only way i can do that now. I know my life isn't horrible. I know I have it good compared to alot of people, i'm just having a hard time adjusting. that's all.

TEN random things about me -
10.i'm shy when people first meet me
9. i have a brain injury
8. i'm claustraphobic
7. i have a weakness for watching someone in a band play and sing
6. i'm very indecisive unless it comes down to something i really hate
5. I hated school and learning things i dont care about.
4. I'm a pretty big straight edge
3. i'd rather kiss w/out tongue than w/... it's more romantic
2. i like cheesy teeny bopper tv shows
1. i like living with my family

NINE ways to win my heart -
9. be a gentleman.. open doors and walk me to the door
8. compliment me... i need it.
7. be able to hold your own against me.. i tease alot
6. dont pressure me into anything
5. dont force your tongue in my mouth
4. dont be afraid to show affection in front of people (kissing and hugging and such)
3. listen to me and show interest in what i say
2. dont tickle me
1. be very honest with me, no sneaking around

EIGHT of my favorite movies -
(not in order)
8. charlie and the chocolate factory
7. the notebook
6. alice and wonderland (the real people version)
5. the butterfly effect
4. how to deal
3. fight club
2. breakfast club
1. tommy boy

SEVEN things that annoy me -
7. cracking nuckles
6. touching me in any way when you're not welcome
5. hanging up on me
4. too many people talking at the same time
3. people thinking they're better than others
2. people not listening to me and interrupting me when i'm telling a story
1. people who threaten suicide over and over again

SIX things I wanna do before I die -
6. get my teeth fixed
5. get married
4. make a ton of money to make sure my family is comfortable
3. go to australia
2. learn to salsa and swing
1. be saranaded

FIVE things I am afraid of -
5. rodents
4. rape
3. people close to me dying and not getting closure
2. getting my heart broken again
1. driving

FOUR of my favorite items in my room -
4. my bed
3. my dvd/cd player and speakers
2. my bathroom
1. my couch/bed thinger

THREE things I do everyday -
3. shower
2. miss simon
1. talk to someone

TWO things I want to do right now -
2. leave my house
1. go back in time

ONE person I want to see right now -
1. simon

Things are starting to really catch up to me now. I wake up every morning now w/ my heart just throbbing. I started writing again kind of. Not like poetry. But ummm.. more like letters/journal/story. I discovered I like writing like that better. It seems more real to me. Poetry may be harder, because of the rhyming thing and the rhythm and that stuff, but I feel like trying to make writing like that, takes away from the true feeling and meaning to the words. Because instead of using the first word that comes to mind, and the right word... you start searching for words that are going to make it sound and flow better. Instead, with this new type of writing I am trying... I can write and express the exact word I want. It may not flow, or rhyme, or even sound right... but it's the word that came to my mind first. And that's what makes it beautiful to me.
I think that's why I gave up writing before. Because when I'd go back and read my poetry from a time I was feeling a strong emotion, I realize that poem doesn't even come close to that feeling I was feeling at the time. Does that make sense? So ya anyway, this is going to help me deal with things I think. Get things out, and come to realize what I am feeling during this rough time. I may post things from it that I write in here. Only when it's not too deeply personal, or too much in depth to my heart. Because I have decided I am building a baracade around my heart, so it's protected from all people while it heels. I'll make sure to build windows into that baracade so people can at least see in a little bit and give me advice on how to help my heart heal, but I can't give full access to my heart anymore because I learned these past couple months, that even those you love and who love you will hurt you. It's inevitable. So... those are my thoughts for the day.

I just drank like 36 oz of orange juice in like 5 minutes and it gave me like massive amounts of energy. So I learned something new, if you need energy... forget coffee drink lots of orange juice, it's better for you. Except the fact I hardly slept last night, then I was dead tired and weird at work today, then I come home and do that and now i'm filled w/ energy again. haha it's like almost 3am. I have to work for 2 hours tomorrow!! That is annoying. Tomorrow is supposed to be my day off, but I have to go in to do a jumpstart for inbound tomorrow. I still dunno how it's gonna work for me to work 2 departments. humm ohh well. Ya so work... it's weird. So I hated it and I hated taking calls till I realized I'm actually pretty good at it, and I really like the people I work with. I made 29 or 30 sales the other day. That's almost 3x my normal amount, and that's like... amazing. It was like 7.something sales an hour on a 2 sale per hour campaign. And the next highest seller was only at 14. So are we all impressed w/ candra? Well we should be because I am SO impressed w/ myself. Haha.
So I have been learning alot this past month of being single. I am learning who I am, and discovering myself all over again. It's sooo cool actually. Cause after being w/ someone for a year... you start to become a pair, instead of an individual...and you begin to lose your real self. Not always I guess, but alot of the time. So... I had lost myself. I realized I stopped laughing so hard I rocked cause I couldn't breathe. I stopped talking to people in cars beside us in traffic. I stopped saying hi to people as we drove by. I stopped dancing and singing randomly. I stopped going and just introducing myself to people. And the biggest one... I stopped making a fool of myself everyday. A new rule for me is I have to make a complete fool of myself everyday and laugh at it. Because it keeps my head on straight and it makes for a really good laugh. Today... hahah i made a fool of myself alot. People were picking on me all day. I actually like being picked on.. it makes me laugh. As long as it's not something i'm sensitive about. I was being picked on for my weight by one of lynda's friends in t-mobile. And I didn't like that. #1 because I dont know him. #2 because me being this skinny isn't something I can help really #3 I am trying so hard to gain weight.. it's just not working. so ya... dont tease me about my weight. I dont like that. ya.. there is alot more i could and want to say... but i really need to go and at least try to sleep. g'night

I was told to write this down. When mike asked "so are you happy?" I responded "i think so. i dunno. it's hard to tell. i'm happy when i am not thinking about my life." we decided it's a good quote.

Anyway... i had a pretty decent day today. I had the day off of work, so I went to get my paycheck and to go shop w/ lynda. I got super cute shoes. But I can't describe them..cause they are unusual. But they're black heels w/ a pointed toe. then on the toe, part of it is white and it has a diagnol buckle running across it. they're cute. and then i came home..and spent some time alone...which was probably bad. I was trying to stay strong and was coming close to failing that mission, but finally found a ride to chris's...chris came and got me. So I hung out at his house w/ him and his roommates for awhile. Then a couple girls from highschool came over and we all chatted and caught up. Then they left, and after awhile chance came over. And then we went over to this other "party" that was kinda lame...but it took my mind off of stuff. So I didn't complain. Then.. chance and I wanted to go back to chris's...but nobody w/ a car was sober enough to drive. So we walked. it was a long cold walk...but we stopped at king soopers on the way and warmed a bit and called chris cause we thought we were lost. then we walked the rest of the way. And then he went to taco bell while i stayed at chris's and watched all the drunk people dance and was cracking up laughing being the only one sober. it was quite a site. then he came back and then he took me home and here i am. so... a night definitely different than normal... which is refreshing.

You know, for how screwed up my life is right now...i'm strangly happy. I feel really guilty for being happy though. Like I feel like i am just this horrible heartless person for being happy. But..maybe it's just one of those things where I am only happy cause i'm refusing to think about things that make me unhappy, so the minute i can't ignore those things...i'm gonna bust and be a wreck. In fact...I'm almost positive that's gonna happen. But for right now... i'm gonna just say that I am decently happy. My job isn't the best in the world...but it's getting there. I am one of the top 3 sellers in my team. Which is awesome cause i'm gonna get great incentives, I go out and have fun with people, even if it is just lynda and I...we go out and have fun. I meet new people. I have made lots of work buddies..and the guys at work just flatter me. I've never been one of those girls who gets hit on alot..but recently at work, I have been. Most of the guys that do are kinda creepy..but it's still flattering none the less. There is this one guy on my team...who just boosts my motivation and desire to be at work so much. His name is mike..he's like the 5th mike I know...but he's just so nice to me. And he'll come by and be like "how many sales do you got?" and i'll tell him and he'll just get soooo excited and yell and scream for me..and if i'm doing badly he's just like "common get me 2 more...i know you can do it!" and he's just an agent like me.. it's not even his job to do that and he does it anyway. And he's always being cheesy and silly too. Then, there are a couple girls who are just soooo nice all the time to me. And act like they really wanna talk to me and get to know me...which is weird cause most girls aren't like that. And then there is chance...who we all know about now. Who just flatters me insanly. Cause he's soo attractive and the fact that he says stuff like "you're so cute!" and "you really have beautiful eyes" and is just complimenting me all the time..it's just great to hear that. Tonight he was like "why aren't you good at taking compliments? you should be use to them, i'd imagine you'd get them all the time" and i was like "no...i dont that often. more so recently than ever before...but not that much still... and i dunno..he's just super sweet.

1. What is your name spelled backwards.
ardnac xoc
2. Where were your parents born?
umm? i dunno where..but my mom moved around her whole life, and my dad grew up in nebraska
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
umm pictures from my mom's camera
4. What's your favorite restaurant?
chilis... hot waitors
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
umm my sisters in the summer. just went hot tubbing tonight though
6. Have you ever been in a school play?
umm sort of. plays for classes in school..that other people from school could come to if they wanted. i was always too afraid to try out for the big ones
7. How many kids do you want?
like 2 or 3
8. Type of music you dislike most?
techno... it makes me all anxious and in a bad mood
9. Are you registered to vote?
yep
10. Do you have a car?
nope.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
nope
12. Ever prank call anybody?
haha "shh the cows are sleeping"
13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Nope
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
umm sky diving probably. bungee jumping would kill my neck i think
15. Furthest places you ever traveled?
either flordia or wa...i think flordia is further
16. Do you have a garden?
No
17. What's the size of your bed?
queen
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
umm... no i dont think so
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
usually showers in the morning. but i take baths when i need time to myself to think...or i'm cold
20. Best movie you've seen in the past 4 months?
umm the notebook. haha i'm cheesy. but i saw constatine last night..it was good. but weird.
21. What's the next movie you want to see?
umm like hide in seek or the jacket or whatever that is... i like scary movies.
22. Chips or popcorn?
chips.. but i'd rather have cookies
23. Have you ever broken any hearts?
ya...
24. Premarital sex?
nah... breakups are hard enough...add something like the bond you create w/ sex in there..that would kill
25. Are you a good cook?
not horrible, but you wont see me making a feast anytime soon
26. Orange or Apple juice?
ORANGE JUICE! YUMMM
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner:
chance, lynda, and ryan. Double date to carrabbas
28. Favorite type of drink?
orange juice
29. Best thing in the world?
orange juice...and cuddling w/ a hot boy
30. Have you ever broken a bone?
nope.. just my brain
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
haha nope
32. What is your favorite board game?
life.
33. What is your dream car?
umm something sexy that never breaks down and doesn't need gas to run
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
my makeup.. good stuff. sheer cover
35. Coke or Pepsi?
orange juice
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
nope, i get to dress up or be casual...whatever i wat
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
pharmacy? umm i dunno. ohh migraine medicine probably
38. Who are you going to marry?
umm probably john stamos. haha jk. i dunno.... dont ask. sensitive topic
39. Who would you like to meet?
i wanna meet michael jackson, elvis, john stamos, james dean, and the spice girls
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
nope. people need to learn the difference between love and lust
41. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
umm sense of humor actually. then eyes, smile, and hair.
42. Where would you go for a romantic evening?
the "somethin somethin" (it's a look out over the city that hardly anyone knows about) go there w/ blankets, and orange juice
43. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
umm lots, but i wear my pink lowtop converse, my pink tennies/heels, and my black and white lace up pumps
44. Last song stuck in your head?
hip hop stuff that lynda and i were dancing to in the car. good times
45. Any pets?
dog, lolli
46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
chris farely.
47. What is one thing you would like to learn to do?
salsa,swing and belly dance.
48. What do you do when you are bored?
talk to people on the phone, watch movies.. get on here
49. What is one thing you would want someone to appreciate about you?
the fact that i care more about other people than myself.
50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
uhh friends, and hot boys that get my mind off of stuff

I wish there was a cure for a broken heart. i hurt so bad. we broke up.

Everything is getting more and more confusing! Talking to Lynda tonight really helped though. Haha, ya I had alot of fun tonight. I've been laughing so hard the past couple nights that I think i'm getting better stomach muscles. hahaha. So, all you girls...tell me if you think this is a sucky idea..or a good one. Cause I personally think it sucks.
So this guy i was talking to, came up w/ a "good idea" to make girls more comfortable when they go to the gynacologist (dont even know how to spell it) so he thinks if when the doctor is there doing his business making small talk and whatever that he should tie magic into it, and be like "ohh what's this?" and then pull a scarf or a rabbit or something out.
Now, I personally think i'd kick the doctor in the face and get out of there asap...but he thinks it'd make things more comfortable. he's obviously not a woman though...so ya. what do you all think?

Humm, my life is so crazy. I dont have any idea what i'm doing w/ myself or my life anymore. It's funny how you think everything is so figured out, and you know exactly what you want and where you're going, then something changes suddenly and everything is different. Ya I dont really wanna go into detail. But work sucks. I can't work full time there. I'm not going to subject myself to that kind of horror. I come home depressed w/ a headache and in a horrible mood everyday. Well at least the first two days I was on the phone by myself. Training was fine. I actually had fun in training. but sitting there in a little "pod" or whatever for 6 hours call after call. Most people being completly rude...it just sucks. Especially yesterday cause we had to sell showtime...and showtime sucks. I would never buy it myself, so it's kind of hard to convince other people they will like it and they should buy it. Especially since it's so expensive and nobody wants to buy it. I've made 10 sales total. Well 11, but one changed his mind because I sold him starz on a hbo or cinemax or something campaign because they failed to tell us it switched. Ya...so February has been so weird for me....

hahahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha hahaha haha ha.....
Ya, dont ask. Hummm, so I'm very frusterated. So...I'm eating my chocolate birthday cake. Yumm! But it's not helping. I thought chocolate was supposed to help when you're sad. Humm, maybe chocolate does...as long as it's not birthday cake. Ya, that's probably it. Dont mind my weirdness tonight. Just plain ignore it. Humm my head hurts. Probably cause I'm thinking too hard and fast. And I haven't really eaten anything healthy today. But...I got a belly dancing work out tape from my sister for my birthday, and it's so much harder then I thought! I just wanted to learn to belly dance....I didn't know i'd have to build up my strength for like weeks before I could stand to do it. So ya...I barely got through the warmup and I was cramping. Maybe I'm horribly out of shape...no cause I can do the pilates and yoga workout tape for like almost 2 hours before I get sore. Ya... anyway I lost weight from being sick. I like to stay between 115-120...I only weigh like 112, and that was after I had eaten alot...so normally I bet it's a little less then that. That's bad. It's from being sick. I still haven't gotten my appetite back. I dont feel grossly skinny though. I bet if I lost any more weight I would...then I'd have to go on my weight gain diet. It consists of eating until I feel like i'm gonna puke everyday till I gain it back. it's hard. I hate getting that full. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I lost my train of thought for a minute. I decided that I should have an alcohol rebellion and get all the alcohol and throw it in the ocean...but since there is no ocean near by...i'll through it in a lake or something. But it's gonna be hard cause sometimes it seems like i'm the only person in the united states who hasn't ever and doesn't ever want to drink. I know that's not true. cause I know a good majority of the mormon kids haven't either....but i feel like i'm the only one. And that doesn't mean i am gonna go decide to drink. I can honestly promise I will never ever purposly drink alcohol cause it ruins lives. That's why I need to have an alcohol rebellion. I bet when people were first reading this they thought I was drunk or something...but I'm not. Ya... This is a really long entry huh? I bet nobody is use to this from me. It's cause I am really bored and have alot of rambling to do. And I can't get on to deviant art for some reason, and I was gonna work on coloring this picture tonight, but photoshop is on the laptop, and i can't get the laptop right now..so i'll have to wait till tomorrow. but i'm gonna stop rambling. ya...bye

This past week has really really sucked. And it will continue to suck... I guess i'm just not use to having to share him anymore. I have been number 1 in his life for awhile now, and this week... i am number 6 or something. I come after "the guys". I just feel lonely. Of course I feel better when I'm with him, or talking to him. It's like there is no problem at all. But when I am by myself and it's been awhile since we've talked I start to miss him sooo bad and feel so alone. I guess this is how most people feel when they dont get to see the person they are in love w/ everyday. I feel bad for them... oh well, it'll all be over soon.

So, passed the windows test w/ a 93. Only missed 2..which wasn't exactly my fault. It said to put the notepad into the start menu...well it was already in the start menu...so i thought maybe they meant put it on the main start menu, but it woouldn't let me..so i skipped it, and then the next question was to erase it from the start menu, and i didn't put it there, so i couldn't erase it. but ohh well, i passed! As far as the other stuff I needed luck for, ya i don't think i've even attemted them. One step at a time. So simon and I went to see meet the faukers or however it's spelt. It was pretty funny. I liked it. Ohh and simon gave me an early birthday present today, i got the butterfly effect movie! We saw that on our very first date. Ya, but I didn't deserve it, i have been getting really grumpy with him and i feel so bad. PMS crap. It's just like something gets on my nerves or stresses me out or something, then every little thing that happens i get even more upset at and sometimes i get an attitude w/ him and i know that's not fair at all. I really am going to work on that. I love him so much, and he deals with it without complaint, but ya, i feel bad. I am going to make it up to him somehow. Humm, anyone have any ideas? if not i'll think of something. yep so my birthday is coming up here. On monday. I think we're just gonna have a bbq on tuesday though since todd isn't coming in till 10pm on monday. yea...no final plans yet, but hopefully this weekend..like tomorrow i'll figure everything out.

I am taking my windows test for work tomorrow at 3:30. Wish me luck. Not too worried about it, but a little. So, I am gonna give overcomming my insomnia another shot wish me luck w/ that as well. Oh..and i'm gonna eat healthier and excercise more. wish me luck w/ that....and anything else? ohh i'm also gonna save 15 million dollars and then buy whatever i want. hahahahaha wish me luck!!!

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